Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Pirates Private Property.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
I like your tight end
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.