What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Wear green, or leaf.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
You’re my lucky charm.
We’ll have a ball.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!