I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.