For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
To get to the other tide.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.