What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.