Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.