What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
Salty but sweet.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
"Some bunny loves you."
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Water you doing?
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.