What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
You’re my #1 pick.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.