What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Leave poetry to the prose.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.