What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
I get a real kick out of you.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Life is brew-tiful!
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.