What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Don't even chai.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
I have the final sleigh.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"