How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
You sleigh me.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
"You had me at merlot."
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.