What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Join us for plenty of play action.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Car puns are really tiring
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I only have ice for you.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.