We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.