How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.