What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?