It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.