What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
"I make pour decisions."
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Poor white splash.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
You’re right up my alley.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!