Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Distill my beating heart.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!