My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".