Treat yo'elf.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Writers have great climaxes.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
I like you, you croc my world.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.