Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.