What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.