What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
He’s my pinch charming.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Calm before the score
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.