Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
Biology - It grows on you.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
I loaf you.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.