What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Can’t pinch this.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.