Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
You octopi my thoughts.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.