I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
"You're the wine that I want."
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.