What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
You’re my lucky charm.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."