What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
"Love the wine you're with."
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.