Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
It’s snow joke.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
"It's wine o'clock."
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.