Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.