How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.