Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I call the shots.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.