You really mermaid my day.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
You're acute Valentine.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.