Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.