What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
"I need to re-wine my life."
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.