Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
"Bugs and hisses."
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!