Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Better read than dead.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!