I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
It takes one to snow one.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”