I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Feeling my shelf.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Pirates Private Property.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.