I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
You have goat to be kidding me.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.