Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”