Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Distill my beating heart.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.