What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together