He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
I dig you a hole lot.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I always have a souper time with you.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
Birch, please.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.