What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.