The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Irish I had better jokes.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?