I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.