What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
"Some bunny loves you."
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.