Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
You are aged to perfection.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Girls just wanna have sun.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.