What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Talk literary to me.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!