Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
I cannoli be happy
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.