I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Beach, please.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Join us for plenty of play action.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.