Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
"I lava you."
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.