Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
"No body won the skeleton race."
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
I feel tail great!
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
You’re my pot of gold.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
I love you meow and forever.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.