Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
All stereos are so typical.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.