What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Octopus ocular optics.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
Yule be sorry.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.