What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.