Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
I can sea clearly now.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!