What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”