What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.