What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
You make miso happy.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...