How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!