What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
We like to paddy.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.