Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
It's ice to meet you.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.