Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.