Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
I love you deerly.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Water you doing?
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!