If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Come witch me to the party.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.