- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
I get a real kick out of you.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
He threw three free throws.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.