I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
I'm acorn-y person.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
I'm pine-ing for you.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.