With a calendar, your days are numbered.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
All things must grass.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Don't even chai.