More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
You better beer-live it!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.