Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.