Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
Herb your enthusiasm.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
All clover the world.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Having a ball
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What eats laptops? Computer worms.