“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
You really mermaid my day.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.