What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Call me on the shellphone.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.