What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Girls just wanna have sun.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.