How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
I loaf you.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.