The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.