What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
He threw three free throws.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What a spud muffin.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
I’m soy
into you.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.