Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
You knead me in your loaf.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Call me on the shellphone.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!