How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Sleigh, what?!
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.