Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Yule be sorry.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!