What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.