What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
There’s no reason to wine about you.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”