How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
You're acute Valentine.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.