How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.