How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
"You can't sip with us."
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
It’s a winterful day!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".