Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
The calm before the score
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Bookworms take shelfies.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Dublin’ the fun.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.