Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
My love for you simply radiates.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
By the seat of one’s punt
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
These decorations are tree-mendous.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
I read dead people.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"