My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.