Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Writers have great climaxes.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.