How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Don't even chai.
This foundation is rock salad.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.