A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
One more thyme.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.