I’m establishing my punning game early today.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.