What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.