I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
You’re my #1 pick.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.