I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Distill my beating heart.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.