How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
In the eyes of the lawn.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.