The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Whale, hello there.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
"No wine left behind."
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Feeling fintastic.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.