As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
All punts are highly intended
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
I’m feelin’ pine.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.