Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Do you comma here often?
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
It’s snow joke.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
"Be kind, re-wine."
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.