You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Shake your shamrocks.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
I have bean
thinking about you.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.