Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Don’t moss around.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Feeling fintastic.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.