What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
I only have ice for you.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!