Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.