What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
The ocean made me salty.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.