Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
What a spud muffin.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.