Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.