What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
We bee-long together.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
Having a ball
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”