Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
"You crack me up."
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."