Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
"There's no bunny like you."
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
You’re my heartthrob.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.