What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
"Dying to have fun."
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
We make a great pear
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.