I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Snow thank you.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
"You can't beat me."
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I beg your garden?
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.