Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
As it snow happens.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!