Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.