What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
It takes one to snow one.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
You’re brew-tiful!
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.