Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I love you from my head tomatoes.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”