I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Say it ain’t snow.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.