Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
when I’m with you.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.