We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
Your good seed for the day.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
It’s party thyme.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Whale, hello there.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.