Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!