Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.