Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.