Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Yule be sorry.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
I love you and I ain’t lion.