After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"