What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.