Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.