I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!