"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!