What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
I scored when I met you.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate