You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
One more thyme.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
"You make me egg-static."
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Icy what you did there.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!