I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
"Happy eggster."
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
You have goat to be kidding me.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Believe in your elf.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”