My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.