Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.