Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
I’m fondue you.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.