Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.