What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.